Anything is possible

SO much chaos; so little time. We slept in our new house on Saturday night and woke up to rain. Even with the overcast sky, my kitchen was full of morning light as I buffed the left over grout from the new tile floor. Last night I had the first shift at my rotation at work so I will not be sleeping there with the fam again until Thursday night.

Both houses are full of stuff and chaos but progress is being made. The carpet guys are at the house putting in the last of the new flooring. Sometime this week, unless the rain keeps up, the exterior will be painted. Tomorrow the finishing work and touch-ups will be done and on Wednesday we will get our new fridge. As I stood in my new living room this morning I pictured the furniture and people I will fill my home with. This house is more than getting into the market, living in town, or having more equity. This house provides the space to broaden our sense of community. It gives us the opportunity to live up to our ideals in parenting, friendship and ministry.

As recently as six months ago I didn't know how we would ever accomplish this. So in my lack of faith I did "the small things I knew how to do." Now I have an unbelievable job that I not only love but does not prevent me from homeschooling my kids, and we are living in a new house that has our personalities built in. And the most amazing part about all of this is, we didn't strain to find the answers. We let it go when we didn't know what the next step was. We prayed and did the best we could with what we had. Then He opened the right doors for us. How can I believe anything different than that the creator of these beautiful mountains I can see through my window cares about my little family. I feel as though anything is possible.

The floors upstairs are in!

I just left my construction zone of a house where we just may manage to sleep tomorrow night! Yipeee! Just cant do laundry or cook food there. But we are darned well going to sleep there! My bathroom looks fantastic! I am so excited for my floor to set so I can go pee in it! Giddy. Thats what I am. Just giddy!

the important stuff

I just like my husband so darn much.

The answer

When life's little (or big) changes get overwhelming or people disappoint me I struggle to let go and let God handle it. I do my best to overcome the desire to kick and scream when I have no control. Such was the case this morning. The details of why I was in a such a state are of little importance compared to what happened next.

As I drove my husband to work this morning I asked God for help. I don't want to be angry or bitter. I want to do as the song says and grow with what life sends. I want to be that person who can face change with grace and disappointment with forgiveness. So I ask for help because I have learned from experience that I am unable to work this miracle on my own. Just when my frustrations were trying to put down roots a friend called and said she would drop something off for me at the park knowing that I wasn't having a fabulous day. When she arrived she had a treat in hand with a card attached. The card said this:

Waking up

Waking up this morning, I smile.
Twenty-four brand new hours are before me.
I vow to live fully in each moment
and to look at all beings with eyes of compassion.
Thich Nhat Hanh

What better answer to a call for help can there be than a little perspective and a reminder that you are loved. Thanks Anie.

dont bother reading. Its gross and unhappy.

vomit, regurgitate, spew, upchuck, hurl, the act or instance of ejecting matter from the stomach through the mouth, visiting the porcelain pony.

Other than the pony bit, doesn't sound very cheerful does it. Well this is how I have spent my day. I am incapable of doing any of the useful things I should be doing. I cant even sleep for feeling so completely disgusting. If you have read this far and are grossed out, its your own fault. I have no sympathy for you. And the darker part of my nature feels a bit better knowing I know too many people who wouldn't listen if I said don't read. :) Have a nice day.

Happy house owning day!

We officially owe the mortgage company more money than I even trust myself with! And we bought a cherry tree to celebrate. It is officially official. We are the terribly excited owners of a very large laundry room, a yellow kitchen, and all the rooms connecting them. I am so stinkin excited I can barely get through remembering how to type. I am planning furniture arrangements, fixing large dinners and using my dishwasher in my head. I have already decided where most of my pictures will go and what kind of lighting I'd like. (Alex agrees with all but the track lights for the playroom.) Tonight we are off with the kids for a celebratory dinner where we will even let them order the fancy drinks with their kids meals. No matter what life storms we weather, sooner or later there is sunshine and I intend to savour every moment of it.

Homeowner initiation

Well we flooded the basement this week but miraculously there was almost no damage whatsoever, just a few casings that were on the floor. Go God! I am assuming it was him because even our contractor couldn't believe the drywall was fine. In the meantime we signed all of the papers and tomorrow the house will officially be in our names. Tonight enough of the floors will be done for me to start moving stuff into the bedrooms. Yay! says I. Homeowners indeed.

Yet again

I am overwhelmed by the strength and grace of the community I partake in. I am so grateful for the leaning and sharing and laughing and tears. I am amazed by the intimacy shared memories can create. I am awed by the wounds that make us less, and not more self-centered, because the only answer to some hurts is to reach out and comfort the person next to you. And I am blessed by the fact that if I was not present I would still be thought of as I know so many, including my absent family members, were. No matter what distance separates us, we stay connected. What a tremendously beautiful thing it is to know you are not alone.

Dooger

I didn't want today to go by without comment but I am finding myself at a loss for wizzy or encouraging words. I miss his great big smile. I missed him at every locals and homegrown and concert this year. I miss him every time I see chicken with beer up its bottom. I miss him everytime I do the dishes at a potluck. I miss him when I look at his pictures on my fridge and his pictures on all my friends fridges and bathroom walls. I miss him when I pick up my guitar. I miss him when I look at my kids and think how grateful I am that my parents shared their world with me so I could have a Dooger. I miss his glue and I try to put in the effort to keep the connections and community he helped make. There is this big Dooger hole in all of my favorite activities that doesnt seem to be getting any smaller. I want to scream mulligan to the universe.

looking inward

It is always slightly frustrating with a bit of refreshing mixed in to discover a new character flaw in yourself. Such was the case for me yesterday. I am caught somewhere between apathy and cynicism. Oh not when it comes to poverty or environmentalism, spiritual growth or politics; I have all kinds of passion for those things. This insidious presence is hidden in my personal hopes for the future and in my relationships, past and present. It seems I play the "I don't care" card when things are difficult and then when things start to get better I can't seem to believe it will stay that way. Not with everything of course. But there are some things.....

I suppose apathy is a common malady among our pampered society. The feelings that come with becoming totally aware of the destruction of our environment are terrifying so we hide behind excuses. "It's not like I could personally change enough to fix it." Or the suffering that so many on our planet are enduring due to poverty, oppression and violence is so overwhelming to the human heart that it is just easier to put it aside and perhaps foster a foreign child to ease our burning conscience. But these are bigger picture items. I am talking about what lurks inside of some of us. The less obvious apathy. The defensive, protective apathy. I am talking about how even the most socially and ecologically conscious person can bumble through life without truly giving in to hope or making a personal connection outside their innermost circle. I cannot address a community of uncaring if I cannot face it within myself.

Without premeditation or conscious awareness of it, I have begun to build myself this safety net of choosing not to care. The thoughts" I'm fine" "It doesn't really matter" "It's good enough" have settled in my mind like roots in primed soil. The answer "I'm fine" is easier than risking public tears when I'm just not fine. Or risking someone else's apathy when the I am truly excited or happy. But where is the honesty in that? Or the permission for someone else to be truly honest with me? Human emotion is gloriously messy and if I don't let you in my messy house how can I possibly expect you not to be embarrassed about yours?

The tremendous awe that comes with the birth of a child grows and changes with each new step that child takes. It is common and yet so uncommon. I say revel in it, talk about it, share it, let it render you speachless. It is bigger than it is given credit for.

Similarly, the ache that comes with the loss of a loved one is overwhelming. Don't fight it. Soak in it. Mix in the joy of having known that person and throw in some sweet memories. Marinade your heart in that concoction of emotion and walk through it. How much healthier and compassionate would we all be if we could be totally honest with even ourselves about the magnitude of our feelings? How much more empathy could we have globally if we could unlock the doors of our own hearts?

I am filled to overflowing with big emotions. I am remorseful and cheerful and angry and excited and sad and joyful. I am courageous and I am terrified. I am in the moment and I am hopeful for the future. I am satisfied and content and complicated. I am loved and loving and learning to love better. I am learning to hold on and I am learning to let go. And maybe I am melodramatic but you know what? I am O.K. with that. I am really really O.K. with that. I am small in stature but I refuse to shrink in personality. It is not the timid that change the world.

Today

Today I completed my Non violent crisis intervention and Alex put in the new sod at our new house.

uuuhhh

Ok so mowing a lawn by a house you dont live in, with a lawnmower you dont own, is much more inconvenient than it sounds...... nuff said.

In other non-house-related news (yes there is more to life) I am going to a fun reading thing at kootenay roasting company on Monday. There is a writers group that I attended a few time before our family had grown to its large state. Now that my little ones are just a bit less little I am venturing back out into the artistic world. Yay! I think I just may survive not having anymore babies after all.

What a fabulous start to summer!

We got our mortgage! Tomorrow we will sign papers to seal the deal and we will soon be viewing Cranbrook from a fabulous new window. The "to do" list is a bit long and a bit stressful but when it starts to feel overwhelming I just picture myself with a nice cuppa in front of my kitchen window watching the sunrise over the rockies. Nice cream coloured tile beneath my feet. The sound of the dishwasher finishing up last nights dishes in the background. Or better yet, I remind myself that someday very soon I will be having a nice, long, hot bath in freshly painted and floored bathroom, in a tub that I didnt have to scrape metal particals out of.

This house is an answer to prayer. When we started to pray for a home two years ago we had a list of specifics that we wanted. Two bathrooms, three bedrooms (we will have four), storage, fenced backyard, a playroom and Alex wanted a dishwasher. I have warmed up to the dishwasher.

Last year was spent learning to be grateful even when life isn't pleasant. I hope in the years to come that we continue to be grateful for this house, remembering what fabulous timing this blessing was brought to us in.

whirlwind moments

The days seem to be buzzing by with very little time to spare and yet the things we are waiting for seem to be taking an awfully long time to happen. I picked out flooring and colors for the upstairs of the home we are hoping to make our own. Tomorrow I will be getting the downstairs all sorted out. And all the while we are packing packing packing. To add just alittle to my plate, I am taking my non violent crisis intervention next week and Levi needs new glasses. Alex's reunion is coming up and my big sister is getting married just after I expect to be mostly done unpacking. At some point I also wouldnt mind planting my garden so we have some fresh veggies come summer. As the title says, never a dull moment.
P.S. did I mention potty training?

High hopes

Well, tomorrow we take the last of the paperwork into the mortgage broker and should know by the end of next week if we own this particular house or not. And yes Erin, you can stay with us. I really hope we will be owning this house because the painter is putting on the first coats of my chosen colors tomorrow and the counter top people are making my counter tops. We have picked out flooring for the upstairs and I am super excited about my bathroom (Where I will be able to have blacksmithgunk-free baths.) If, for whatever reason, we do not get approved for our mortgage, someone will be living in a house with very Marriott style.

In other news, Alex's reunion is coming up on the 16th of June. How weird is that? Somehow four kids and eight years of marriage still haven't made me feel old enough to be going to a reunion. It will be interesting to see everyone. I really hope "the guys" come in from Van. My boyfriend's weird computer nerd friends have become an oddly cherished part of my life. One of them even has a very adorable little boy bearing Alex's name as his second name. That one also picked a very lovely woman to marry whom I approve of wholeheartedly. And before you get your knickers in a twist, yes I should get to approve. I, after all, was the first wife and as such will have to put up with and entertain any of the future wives of "the guys". My opinion should count just a little.

Alright, big day tomorrow, it is late, and I should sleep at some point. I hope.

Packing picks up

Well, much to our surprise, we discovered that we can get a very substantial mortgage without even selling our trailer. We also found out we can get that mortgage tomorrow if we want. Eep! So last night we went online and checked out houses. It was very exciting. We found two that suit us and are in fairly good locations. I am making an appointment this week for us to go take a look at how much work they will need. In the meantime, every day we pack a few more boxes. I am so stinkin' excited! A backyard with a swingset! Enough room for company as often as we like! Storage! Room for a christmas tree! Two bathrooms so my favorite blacksmith can have his own shower and I can soak in a bath without metalic floaties! Wheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!