Packing

We are packing up the house in slow motion. We are not moving. Yet. We are going to see a mortgage broker tomorrow but actually moving out of this place wont happen for a little while. My sweet optimistic husband is calling this preparation. It's not that I am not also optimistic, its just I am more cautiously so. As much as I don't want to admit, the crappiness of the last year has gotten to me. It is easier to be content with what I have than it is to go to all the effort of hoping for more before it actually happens. I am not proud of this delightfully lazy character flaw, but I am honest about it. In the meantime, I am packing anyway. At the very least, it is certainly getting the spring cleaning done.

Getting back to normal?

Alex seems to be getting his energy back. Which is lovely because I had no idea how difficult it was going to be to get motivated around here when my dear husband was laying on the couch. It is SOOO much easier to snuggle up and watch a movie with him then it is to do the dishes or change over the laundry. But today we managed to get quite a bit done. I even took Levi outside and had him stacking wood while I chopped it. Hannah stayed inside and did the dishes enthusiastically. If only her attitude would stay that way. I remember the days when they used to be excited about folding laundry. About five days into realizing that this was their job now, laundry got boring and induced almost unbearable whining.

We even attempted a bit of kite flying with the other homeschoolers today. There was very little success but plenty of fresh air to make the effort worth it. After a bit of shopping, Alex's check up, and a visit with the pastor we are now at home, settling the children into bed and settling ourselves into comfy chairs to watch yet another movie. I suppose one more cant hurt........

My comic husband

We arrived home early due to Alex not having the planned ablation. They started the procedure but could not get his arythmia going and consequently could not ablate the offending nerves. Alex is just as sore as he would have been and still has to take the time off, but didn't have to spend the night in the hospital.

Is this good news? I have no idea. But at this point my response is..Whatever! Life as usual, just like the doctors said (as if our lives resemble anything usual). So we went out for lunch with a friend and visited some other friends in the children's hospital and we both get a week off to hang with the family. Cool. (Although I will be doing two adults worth of chores in that week so I am not sure I am quite as excited as Alex about the "week off")

In the meantime, my baby girl is asleep on my lap relieving some of the built-up pressures of the weekend, and Levi is tucked up in his bed after a good long father-son snuggle. Our other two are still at a friends house, having gone to bed an hour before we arrived in Cranbrook. Life is good. My best friend, husband, partner-in-crime, lover, live-in-jester, is safe and recovering.

I won't need a replacement. Which is good, because he is an oddity. I know because when someone is threading electrodes into your husband heart, you tend to think about these things. I don't think they build them like that anymore. He is a discontinued collectors edition whose value is immeasurable. Like one of those old comics that you should really keep in the plastic to prevent its destruction but you can't resist reading it anyway. But it is so cool and rare that even though it's a bit worn, you could still get a really good price for it if you sold it. But you wouldn't. Not ever. Yep, he's kinda like that except more. And he is still here.

thoughtful

I have had a wakeful night. We leave today for Calgary and it is a bittersweet trip. Alex and I will have tons of uninterrupted time which is lovely, but I am nervous about his surgery. It is not that I don't trust God. It's just that I have learned the hard way that trusting God does not mean expecting all your plans to turn out according to your own design. But I am only nervous...not enough fear there to keep me up all night.

Part of my sleepless state was induced by the many upcoming events of the next few months. Three weddings! Each beginning marriages that I think will be amazing. But coming very shortly is also the anniversaries of events I could have skipped. It is those events that had the gears going into the wee hours. Grief, loss, and change are interesting things. They are often the tools for shaping us. But, as I drifted in and out of consciousness, I thought about how long that uncomfortable process takes. As has become my habit, I forcefully brought my mind back to gratitude and finished off my morning day dreaming about another important anniversary coming up soon. Reflections of the last eight years of my own marriage made me even more excited to participate in my sisters wedding in June.

I used to think the bit about the circle of life was corny, but I am coming to understand that it is a feeble human attempt to describe the constant flow of this life. But at this point, my sleep deprived brain has me rambling and I have to pack.

Sweet hope

Over the last year I had forgotten what it was like to hope for more than just survival. I was spending my emotional energy working on being content and trying not to be afraid of the challenges life was presenting to us. Don't get me wrong, I am still grateful for the stretching they provided, but the simple fact is they have been blinkin' hard. Sometimes it was like being lost at sea and trying to convince yourself that at least the sunsets were beautiful. The last year has given me strength I didn't know I had, made friendships I value grow deeper roots, and reminded me to savour all the moments of my life no matter how challenging. But I am ready for the wave of good news that seems to be making its way into our life.

I have signed on to a full-time, sleeping night shift job that comes with benefits. I love working at the group home. There is such an amazing network of people there. And our clients, though challenging, each have a charming and fun personality in their own way.

Alex's job has been growing and getting better, and though the process has been slow, he is being challenged in ways he hasn't before.

Levi seems to really have clicked with reading and it has been such a relief to him. He is excited about learning again!
Hannah is healthy as far as we know. The doctor is going to talk to the pediatrician to see if we need to do allergy testing but for the most part there is nothing to worry about.

And the icing on the cake is that we are getting a house! It isn't a done deal yet but it is looking really good. Three bedrooms upstairs and one down. Two full bathrooms. A nice new deck in the backyard. Fantastic neighborhood. Wow! As I said before I had forgotten what it was like to hope for more than survival. And, boy, is it ever nice to hope for more. Even if it doesn't work out, even having the possibility is so nice. And a chance will come again.

Slowly succuming

I am saddened by my own lack of tenacity. Oh some would call it learing to be flexable and open minded I'm sure. But in my opinion I have succumed to the currents of modern society. It is a sad day. The worst part of all is that it isn't bothering me as much as it should.

I have become *shudder* a cell phone user. And I , well, I kinda like it. I can only imagine the gasps of old friends who know me best. Just to reassure you all, I have not mutated or been abducted by aliens. Contrary to the beliefs of my dear friend Barb, I have not begun the slow process of reformation or conformation. I will not be driving an SUV, wearing shiny jewelry, or spending $300 on cosmetics any time soon. Hemp will still be my version of a string of pearls and I will still dream of owning an ecological, off-the-grid home made out of mud bricks. I am just a more reachable me.

It has everything to do with reconnection. I am home less lately and have spent little time with my husband in the last few weeks and even less time with friends. This little piece of technology bridges a few uncomfortable gaps while also providing babysitters with an emergency number and us with a safety-net on roadtrips.

It is a new era. I suppose we must all move forward in our own ways.

HOLY COW!

Well I have more to share then on any other day I have posted but much much less time to do it in. I have a new job, that I love, that is now providing my family with full benefits! Yay! I am working four on, four off, sleep shifts at a group home. I love working with the residents of the group home but not enough that I would have been willing to stop homeschooling the kids to do so. I am now snugly settled in the best of both worlds. I have completed all kinds of training that makes me employable in lots of fun ways and gets me out of the house just enough to be excited about being a stay-at-home Mom again. I say again..Yay!

The kids are doing fabulous! Levi's reading is improving in leaps and bounds. He is even excited about reading chapter books now! Yay! Hannah is also doing very well and she has become a little teacher, eagerly trying to show Shiloh how to write her name. Unfortunately Shiloh has picked up the letters in Hannah's name much faster and is now signing all her pictures as Hannah. Selah is a fun little bundle of energy that no one can keep up with so we tag team her.

I have a new vacuum cleaner! I never thought that sentence would be worthy of an exclamation mark but there it is. In almost eight years of marriage I have never bought a brand new vacuum cleaner. It was very satisfying.

OK last little note at the end. My dear Dad has informed me that some of you have expressed that you are feeling as if you are peering in the window of my life. I wanted to reassure anyone feeling that way that this is no window. It is an open door with a fabulous welcome mat that is soft and cushy on your feet. Please never mistake my lack of ability to remember to send out Christmas cards as disinterest. I will figure it out one of these years. In the meantime, I have managed to figure this out in hopes of making room for reconnecting. I have such fabulous roots that it would be a shame not to share them with my children.