The cure of Kindness - Day one

A basement, a bedroom and a impromptu indoor pool

I have asked my friends and readers to send in stories of kindnesses that have changed their lives or just their day. I have some, but am hoping for more to post this month so if you have one, please send it to little_mother_@hotmail.com. Please let me know if you want to remain anonymous or if I am free to publish your name here.

I thought to start I would share a story of my own. I am blessed to have many, but I have picked this one for today. 

A few years ago, we had a bizarre rainstorm in my hometown. It poured like nothing we had ever seen before. People were canoeing in the parking lot of the mall and rivers were running down the streets. It was incredible to watch the lightening and the sheets of water hit the ground. 

Unfortunately, the next day we woke up to find an indoor pool we hadn't ordered in our basement. The kids thought it was hilarious as we scrambled to find shop vacs and fans and call the insurance adjuster. As it turned out, we were one of the lucky ones who didn't have sewage pumping up into our basement from broken drains and even broken toilets. Though we were grateful beyond measure for the lack of floaters, it also meant that the insurance company would do nothing for us. 

Another important detail in this story was that we had a teenager staying with our already large six person family and another couple moving in a week to join us in our four bedroom house. Staring at my drenched basement carpet and drywall, while my children joked about building a sailboat made me want to scream. It was definitely one of those stop-the-world-I-want-to-get-off moments.

As Alex began shoving soggy books and ruined treasures into garbage bags, I did the only thing I could think of in the moment and called one of my good friends who owned a truck. 

"Can I borrow your husband and your truck for the afternoon?" "Sure, why?" "My basement flooded and its really bad. I need to take a few loads to the dump and start tearing apart drywall." "Sure thing. I'll send him right over." 

While Alex picked away at the basement, I headed to the hardware store for some work gloves and heavy duty garbage bags. I was gone for about an hour as I had stopped for a little private pity party on the way. By the time I returned, my house was full of about thirty people who I had varying degrees of relationship with. Some I barely knew. My friend, knowing how many people were about to live in our house, had rallied the troops on our behalf. Halfway through the afternoon, the basement was cleared, the soggy drywall had been cut away and complimentary pizza had arrived from the local pizza place owned by good friends. Even thinking about it now brings tears to my eyes.

When dinner was over, the men folk were sitting around and asked if we had anything else that needed to get done. Alex said he had been meaning to take out the old broken fireplace downstairs and lengthen the living room so we could add a wall for another bedroom. Well, they all lit up with the excitement of three year old boys in a new sandbox and started listing off who owned axes and sledge hammers. Luckily at that point I had to go to work so the demolition phase could happen without my fretting presence. 

Within a week, our house was better suited for our big family than it had been before the flood.

The great thing about this story is that it was not just our lives that this kindness effected. In the coming weeks, some of the people who had been invited to our house that day started opening up to each other with more vulnerability than they had had the courage to before. We got to participate in all sorts of kindnesses initiated by that group of people because one day my friend wouldn't settle for just sending her husband and his truck. That, my friends, is the great thing about kindness. It is contagious.

Cooperative social experiments!

I caught some flack for the ideas in my last post for various reasons. I will not address them all here, but I did think one was certainly worth the effort of testing. I will need your help to do so. Let me explain.

I was told that I am a naive idealist if I think that love can actually, tangibly conquer anything. I was told that the world IS a dark place and there is absolutely nothing I can do to change that and it is at best naive and at worst arrogantly presumptuous for me to think so. Fine. Challenge accepted.

As someone who believes in the bible and the message that Jesus lived, I firmly believe that heaven can be walked out right here, right now. My heart beats with the knowledge that God's kingdom is one of peace, love, kindness, gentleness and hope where no one is left lonely or wanting. And I believe that as a citizen of that kingdom, I get to live by it's rules right now.

If you don't believe in God (as the person who called me naive doesn't) thats OK. The evidence is all around us in social science. We know that abuse lives in cycles. Well, so does community. Hate produces hate, love produces love. Period.

So, believe with me or don't. I don't ask that you make the same presumptions I do, instead let's try something together. Let's just tell stories and see how that affects our thinking, motivations and beliefs about the darkness in the world. My request is that you send me some stories about how kindness has changed something in your world. My email address is little_mother_@hotmail.com. I will compile stories and begin to share them one a day starting in the middle of March. I will keep sharing them until we run out. I am hoping for four weeks worth of stories.

They don't have to be stories that changed you or your life in huge ways, maybe it was just a kindness that brightened a lousy day. If you want to share a story that belongs to someone else, either leave their name out or get their permission first. If you wish to remain anonymous, that's cool. If you want me to share your story verbatim and give you credits, you got it. 

Stories change and inspire me regularly. As we have been journeying through this year of transition and  deliberate loss and giving birth to new ideas, it has been stories that have kept me going. Hearing other people's stories has given me courage. Reminding myself of our own stories has given me endurance. Stories are fabulous motivators.

I am so looking forward to reading more stories from some of you, my friends and loved ones! Please don't be shy or cynical! Or, if you are, please just write me anyway!

Day 22, 23, and 24

December 22, 23, and 24

A different kind of magic

(sorry about the cheese! 'tis the season!)

As we have approached Christmas Day, there have been several delightful surprises. Visitors stopping on their way to see relatives, pretty packages arriving from home and invitations from new friends have all served to make this season feel extra special. We are all very grateful for the warmth we have received this Christmas. In spite of all the visits and treats and fun, however, my favourite activity was tonight.

Every year, we are so involved with church parties and concerts that December seems to just fly past without much warning. This year has been so different. And quiet. It has been a bittersweet mix of missing the party and participation and relishing the slow pace and opportunity to reflect. One thing we have enjoyed entirely is the opportunity, for the first time, to create our own traditions. We have never experienced a total lack of expectations before. 

So tonight, we headed down to Metro. We served and ate dinner alongside the people of a beautiful inner-city community to celebrate the season. We smiled and shook hands and served coffee and cleaned-up. For three hours we watched from a distance as all four of our children genuinely grinned their way through an evening of hard work. At the end, I watched Shiloh give one of the two little stuffed animals she had just been given to an old man and tell him it was to make him happy. 

Before we got there, we talked with our kids about who Jesus really is and what he came to say. He taught that we should not invite only those to dinner who can in turn serve us a meal. He taught that it is the lowliest servant that is among the greatest of mankind. He set the example that love can heal, sooth, restore and conquer. He told us that we are capable of becoming like him.

We have very little to give this year. Even to each other. We could choose to feel sorry for ourselves or apologize to our children for not lavishing them with stuff, but we're not going to. This discomfort we are experiencing has grown us individually and as a family in ways we have never expected. We have learned that enough is so much less than we thought. We have learned that there is a measure of blessing in having nothing to lose. This is a life experience that is stretching all of us and our perceptions about what we need and what we have a right to. We have watched and seen that even someone with nothing has much to offer. I am not sorry about that. 

As we walked away from the dinner tonight, I listened to my children talk to each other about their evening. They expressed feeling content in a way they hadn't before. Levi said he wanted to remember that feeling for the next time he was grumpy or feeling sorry for himself. He said it was a special kind of contentment. I can learn a thing or two from these kids. I do learn, more than a thing or two, from these kids. 

To me, this is Christmas magic. That my children can see beauty and whimsy and meaning in having nothing to offer but themselves. That they can be filled with joy in spite of the present pile being significantly lower than in seasons past. I can not think of any gift I could open that would mean more.

Day 21

December 21

Mommy Daughter Date for Hannah

We used to call her Hannah Banana. Cute nickname. Rolls off the tongue. It was perfect until we found out bananas caused her vomit violently for hours until she passed out in my arms. Less cute. Now when someone calls her that, she reminds me how much she hates bananas. 

Hannah doesn't throw up anymore if there happens to be bananas hiding in her food. She has grown out of that sensitivity. She has grown out of rather a lot of things and into many others. From a Yoda-faced, cranky, uncomfortable baby, to a graceful, kind and very beautiful young lady. I find myself looking at her more these days and thinking, "where did that stunningly beautiful girl come from?" Not that she didn't get good genes. Alex and I really could have been internationally renowned in the modelling industry. We just decided we wouldn't enjoy all that flying. Seriously though, she is amazing. 

Part of Hannah feeling like she is growing up is the constant requests to let her cook. By constant, I mean more than a few times a day. So, although this would not be my idea of a great date, Hannah's date consisted of us creating a meal plan together, buying groceries and starting on tomorrow's very fancy and overly involved borscht. Hannah was gleeful and exuberant even when we spent a half hour driving around a parking lot at 3pm looking for a parking spot. I chose to focus on her glee rather than be consumed by my own frustration with shopping the week before Christmas. It was fun. 

This is us browning our short ribs in preparation for their 3 hour roasting after which they will be shredded and mingled with veggies and other scrumptious things to, finally, create soup.

Day 20

December 20th

We broke tradition....

I know, I know, the parents are the ones who are supposed to have the will power to wait until Christmas to open presents. I get that. I do. But for the 13 years we have been married, we have never had to look at unopened presents for days and days before. The Christmas trees and stockings have always been at the grandparents houses. We did not anticipate our complete lack of maturity in this area. The packages all came this week. We tried. We tucked them under the little Christmas tree and we tried to ignore them. Part of the problem is Alex. Yes, I am blaming him. He has a very analytical mind and is constantly asking why. It was only a matter of time before we questioned why we have to wait until Christmas day. The answer was clear when it involved other people, but nothing is stopping us now! Mwa-ha-ha-ha-ha!

Before any Christmas do-gooders give me a lecture, let me put your mind at least slightly at ease. We only opened one that was addressed to all of us. It was the perfect one to open! The kids LOVED doing the puzzle a couple weeks ago and only complained that it was too quick and 300 pieces was not enough. Well, today we are building a 2000 piece puzzle thanks to Aunty Erin. I hope she will forgive me of robbing her the joy of thinking we had opened it five days from now. 

In 1.5 hours we only got this far. 2000 is a lot more than 300. Regardless, merriment was had by all and our naughty present opening selves aren't at all remorseful. 

Day 19

December 19

Daddy Daughter Day for Shiloh

 Shiloh needs lots of hugs and "I loves you"s. She needs to be listened to and actually heard. It brightens her whole world when someone demonstrates that they really "get" her. This sounds like a lot of work, but the truth is, when she feels loved, she is extravagant in it's return. Because she is sensitive and a little thinned-skinned, she is gentle with other people. She is quick to encourage and lend a hand. She will find the left-out kid on a field and invite them to play. She cheers for the underdog. She will love the people around her with a depth and breadth that is astounding. She takes some very deliberate investment, but the returns are beyond worth it.

A great example of this happened this morning. I walked into the kitchen to find a bowl of cereal as well as two pieces of toast on the table. Beside them was this card....

Yesterday, Shiloh and Selah decided to create her own big big sister holiday. Shiloh made a card that she had Selah sign, then woke Selah up early so they could make Hannah breakfast together. I wish I could articulate how beautiful this was. I can't think of a better way to begin a day.

Because of Shiloh's very soft disposition, time spent alone with one of us means more to her than the others. Not that the other kids don't love that special attention, but to Shiloh it is more life-giving than anything else we do.

For their Daddy Daughter Date, Alex took her to the H2O. She LOVES the swimming pool there and although she really likes it when we all go together, she sometimes gets frustrated trying to keep up with her older siblings. Going there and having Alex's full and undivided attention was a rare and wonderful treat. The grin on her face as well as the thousand words a minute story was proof of her appreciation.

Sometimes people ask us if we regret getting married and having kids so young. Certainly, there have been some sacrifices and some dreams that have been set-aside for the most youthful parts of our lives. I would not tell my daughters that getting married at seventeen and having four kids before their twenty-third birthday is for everyone. However, I honestly can't think of anything I was dreaming about before kids that was worth more than this. 

Day 17

December 17

Mommy Daughter Day for Selah

I love all my children completely and entirely and without conditions, but I like them for different reasons. Levi has the same interesting, creatively analytical mind as his father. He is an excellent conversationalist. Hannah is sweet-spirited. Even as the age of teenage-hood approaches, she continues to be the peace-maker in our home. She is very often the voice of reason when the Marriott house gets grumpy and tired. Shiloh is the giver. My blog title is little mother, but I share that title with Shiloh. She is always eager to hold a baby or occupy a toddler for a weary Mama. If there is a way for her to help, she is watching to find it. These are just the things that stand out, there are so many reasons my children are a blessing to me.

But this is Selah's day. Selah, youngest of four, seven-year-old ball of energetic fun. Selah, whose name, by some definitions, means "to pause and contemplate" is an interesting character who regularly inspires my own pausing to contemplate. Selah seems to have only two speeds; quietly self-occupied and the fully engaged center of attention. She seems equally happy in both roles and is equally entertaining in either. The other night we were at a Christmas dinner for people who volunteer at Metro. At one point, I looked over to find her lecturing the entire children's table about something they all found clearly interesting, and at another point she was in the far corner of the room, away from everybody, dancing to the dinner music by herself. She is so comfortable being in her own skin, it makes my Mama heart happy.

Needless to say, she is good company. Today, she and I went to the Marmalade Cat for lunch and the moment we get out of the van, this is the conversation we start with;

Selah: So you know how you can't see sperm, well you can with a telescope.

Me: Do you mean microscope?

Selah: Ya, I always mix those up.

Me: Just curious, what makes you think of sperm right now?

Selah: Eating.

Me: Eating?

Selah: 'Cause growing babies need good food. 

Me: Of course.

At this point there is a lull in the conversation as we order and ogle our mango cake thing.

After a healthy dose of sugar, and as we are starting to each our much healthier sandwiches, the conversation turns even more interesting.....

Selah: Mom, did you know you're still young enough to have babies?

Me: Uh, huh?

Selah: Nothing. I just wanted to say you are still young enough to have babies. Just because. If you wanted to know. 

Hmm. I can only guess what is going on in that little head......

Anyway, Day 17 down, 14 more to go. Past the halfway mark and this whole thing has been a success. We have gotten to know our kids and each other a little better this month, as well as made our first December away from home feel special. 

Day 13

December 13th

Mom and Son date!

I completely enjoy my sons company. His conversation is interesting, his heart is huge and his humour is delightful and contagious. Getting to spend quality time with him is great.

We go down to Metro at least once a week. Usually I leave him in the kitchen with Pops and he helps heat up lunch and prepare sandwiches or buns, however, today was special. Today, Levi and I brought the ingredients to cook chowder from scratch. Levi, Pops, and I spent the morning chopping and mashing and stirring while we chatted and laughed. Another special moment was the discovery that Pops and Levi share a birthday! Watching my son and this wonderful white-haired man adopt each other over the last few weeks has been so delightful, so it was a particularly sweet moment. 

Day 12

December 12

Bake cookies together!

We have had this jar waiting for awhile. Finally getting to bake it was a very fun, no cost family activity. Messy, tasty and free, its a hard activity to beat! Due some other, and important, responsibilities, I missed today's main event, but I did get to enjoy the fruits of my children's labour. And let's just admit that, sometimes, that is what it's all about. They like to show off, and we like to enjoy their successes!

YUM!

Day 8

December 8 

Photo-scavenger hunt!

Today we went all over Kelowna and West Bank to take pictures that fit the clues we started out with. After getting the pictures all together, we have created a story arc with captions.....

Our story begins with an innocent morning of light reading.....

Until suddenly, Mom and Dad, while reading about how to scratch a wombat, discover an old legend about the Ogopogo being trapped in a tiny puddle by an evil, unscratched wombat. They decide to go in search of the poor, lonely, trapped Ogopogo....

Mom and Dad find the Ogopogo, wake him and ride him to safety!!

The very grateful Ogopogo expresses his gratitude.

Levi warns him not to get fresh with his sisters. 

This magnificent rescue adventure is over by noon. The Marriotts, enticed by their new hero status, go in search of new adventures.....

They find a blaze! Mom and Dad disappear into the flames. The children hear them crying out for help! Unfettered, they brave the flames to find their parents!

Once the fire is under control, the mini Marriotts succumb to the disappointment of their parents seemingly being lost forever. They head to a local church in hopes they will know of a family that might take them in. They will promise to do chores for their supper.

Once again the children are smiling! A kind soul from the parish found Mom and Dad and nursed them back to health!

Together again, the Marriott family share a cheesy pose by the lake to celebrate!